i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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