Michael Bay diarrhea
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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