She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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