Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
