i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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