having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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