I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
