You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
