I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
