i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
