Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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