Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
