why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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