Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
