What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.