sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
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Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize