just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
