my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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