so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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