what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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