I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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