I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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