I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
