Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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