just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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