I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
