did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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