Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
