no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
