I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
