i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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