Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
we're making bets on your personal life
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
