RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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