no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
