Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
