If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
