I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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