I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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