I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
