Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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