he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
