She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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