I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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