Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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