i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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