I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
