That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
