listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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