I haven't been this sober since birth.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry my hands just texted you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
