I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm really busy with my period
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