I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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