we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
