I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
