the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
