low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
