My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
