You're so nebulous sometimes
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
PANTIES FOUND
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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