i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
