I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
