i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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