somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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