Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's shark week go big or go home
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
