Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
