You made me cry and you don't even care
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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