you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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